Free Fruitful Discussion Guide
9-Week companion to Fruitful, Cultivating a Love Only God Can Produce, available now on Amazon
To buy the book on Amazon, click here.
NOTE: This is a meaty book, and reading more than one chapter a week may be too much, but if you’d like to turn this into a 6-week study, here is my suggestion.
Week 1-Prologue/Intro/Love; Week 2 - Joy/Peace; Week 3-Patience; Week 4 -Kindness; Week 5-Goodness/Faithfulness; Week 6-Gentleness/Self-Control (Save the conclusion for personal reading after group ends.
Table of Contents (click the week you want to see)
Week One - Love
Week Two - Joy
Week Three - Peace
Week Four - Patience
Week Five - Kindness
Week Six - Goodness
Week Seven - Faithfulness
Week Eight - Gentleness
Week Nine - Self-control
FRUITFUL: Week One — Love
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part:
What stood out to you most from this chapter, an idea, a phrase, or a moment that felt personally convicting or freeing?
2. Love as Fruit, Not Feeling:
Hayley writes: “I’m the best at love. I love myself better than anyone has ever loved me before…” and then points out how quickly we notice when others don’t love us well.
a. Why do you think we’re so sensitive to the absence of love in others, but often unaware of how we withhold it ourselves?
b. What stood out to you about the idea that love isn’t just a feeling, but a fruit the Spirit grows?
c. Have you ever heard someone say, “You can’t command a feeling”? Do you agree? Why or why not?
d. Scripture often says things like “Do not fear,” “Rejoice always,” or “Don’t be anxious.” If emotions aren’t directly under our control, what do you think God is actually commanding in these verses?
(Hint: obedience is not “manufacture a feeling,” but “place your trust/attention/allegiance somewhere specific.”)
Let’s read Matthew 5:44: “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
e. What does that verse suggest about how love actually works? Is it a decision? An act of surrender? Something else?
f. How does this reframe the way you think about loving difficult people?
g. Hayley says, emotions are responses, not direct acts of obedience.
What do you think of that idea? (some emotions to consider: anxiety, fear, doubt, worry)
Note: God’s commands are always directed at the will, not the involuntary systems of the body (reflexes, emotions, sensations). God does command what we cannot accomplish in the will apart from grace, so that the Law reveals both His will and our dependence on Him. But through grace, we can do what He commands. That means emotions are responses, not direct acts of obedience.
h. So what does scripture mean when it uses emotions imperatively? (“Do not fear,” “Do not be anxious,” “Rejoice always”)
i. Do you agree that love can exist within discomfort? What’s an example in your life or relationships where that might be true?
3. The Opposite of Love:
a. How does reading that love is the response of the Holy Spirit within us to the trials of life change how you feel about loving others?
b. Hayley said the opposite of love is selfishness. Why do you think that is the best opposite, or do you think there is another?
c. What did you think of her pointing out that love is spelled out in 1 Corinthians 13? (Page 21)
Patience and kindness are the first descriptors of love in 1 Corinthians 13, and they appear again among the fruit of the Spirit.
Goodness shows how love refuses envy or arrogance—it does what is right even when pride would prefer the opposite.
Gentleness reveals that love isn’t irritable or resentful but soft in spirit even under strain.
Joy is love rejoicing with the truth.
Faithfulness shows us how love keeps believing and bearing, even when it’s hard.
And peace is love that does not insist on its own way.
Which of the fruits do you now see as an expression of love that you hadn’t thought of that way before? Why?
d. What do you think of the idea that “every fruit of the Spirit is love refusing to live for itself”? Does that change how you feel about any of the aspects of the fruit, like patience or self-control, for example?
SPIRIT CHECK: Remember, the Spirit doesn’t reveal truth to condemn us; He reveals it to free us.
Diving Deep into the opposite of love: (not for the faint of heart)
Sometimes selfishness doesn’t look like pride; it looks like shame. Have you ever caught yourself stuck in self-criticism or regret, only to realize later that it was still all about you? How does that kind of inward focus make it harder to give or receive love?
Being absorbed with past pain can turn love into a “fortress of self-protection.” What does your version of that fortress look like? How does it show up when you feel exposed, rejected, or afraid? And how might the Holy Spirit be inviting you to open the door?
4. God’s love:
How does this quote sit with you? “The Spirit’s first task in the work of love is always internal—changing your motives before you change your manners.”
a. Would you agree that motive comes before manners, or do you fake it till you make it?
b. Is God’s love unconditional? (Read Romans 5:8; Ephesians 2:4–5;1 John 4:9–10)
c. How do you feel about receiving unconditional love?
d. How do you feel about giving unconditional love?
5. True love:
a. Is love that is not produced by the Holy Spirit a fruit of the Spirit or something else? (I.e., is there a difference between love produced by the Spirit and the flesh?)
b. What are some of the ‘fruit’ that tend to grow naturally in you, whether good-looking or not? (Ex. Hayley said kindness came naturally to her.)
c. How would that same area look different if it were being produced by the Holy Spirit instead of just by your personality, effort, or fear?
6. Love and Your Body:
a. In what ways might love interrupt the fight-flight-or-freeze cycle?
7. Anxiety vs. Love:
Hayley said that God’s love doesn’t just overflow from you; it restores you. In what ways might that be true? What about love is restorative? (see page 27)
a. How might an attitude of love affect your anxiety? What is an attitude of love? In other words, what does love do? (Hint: Read 1 Corinthians 13:7 for starters.)
8. Practice Makes Fruit:
a. What are some expressions of the fruit of the Spirit, love? (Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 -page 19- for ideas, and starting on page 28)
Discuss your ideas on how we can express the fruit of the Spirit love. Are any of them a challenge to your nature?
Group Challenge:
Where is God inviting you to choose love this week, not in your own strength but in participation with the Spirit’s work in you?
FRUITFUL: Week Two — Joy
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part
What was your favorite part of this chapter, and why do you think it stood out to you?
2. Let’s be honest:
How fluent are you in the language of complaint? What are your go-to topics for complaining?
What is the difference between venting and lamenting (see a Psalm of Lament, Psalm 13)? In what way does each become their identity?
3. Joy vs Complaint:
a. Why do you think complaint feels so natural while joy feels like work?
b. Hayley said, “Joy isn’t just something you experience, it’s something you practice.” What do you think of that idea?
c. Would you agree that every word of praise, every act of gratitude, every choice to notice grace instead of lack is a small rebellion against despair?
4. Hoarding Joy:
The chapter says you have joy on the inside, but be feeding others discontent at the same time. Have you ever done that, felt happy, but made the room heavy? For example, you like your job, but you complain about your boss. You love your family, but you complain about how they are acting.
5. Joy in Suffering:
Can you name a time you had real joy in the midst of sorrow? What made that possible?
6. Grumbling or Praising:
a. When you are afraid of the future, do you ever complain about it?
b. Read this verse: “Whose command was ever fulfilled unless the Lord decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that everything comes— both calamity and blessing? Why should any living person complain when punished for his sins?” (Lamentations 3:37–39, NET)
c. How does this idea impact your desire to complain?
d. The book says you can’t grumble and praise God at the same time. What happens to our view of God when complaint becomes our default conversation mode? What kind of witness is complaint?
7. The Definition of Joy
Joy is described as “the verbal expression of thanksgiving.” (See 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; Philippians 4:4-6) Why do you think God ties joy so closely to our words?
8. Perspective
a. The chapter says joy isn’t about pretending life is easy but about “remembering,” remembering what He has done. What does that mean?
b. How would you describe the difference between happiness and joy?
c. In Scripture, joy is often commanded or described in contexts of suffering and distress. Take a look at James 1:2–3; Philippians 4:4; Habakkuk 3:17–18.
What do you learn from these verses about joy?
Can you feel anxious and still possess joy?
9. Joy in Sorrow
Hayley writes that joy grows in the soil of sorrow. How might God use sorrow as part of His process to make joy real instead of shallow? (See James 1:2-4)
10. Holy Optimism
Hayley said God is not a pessimist. Would you agree? Is he a realist? How does that confirm or reject His sovereign power?
Group Challenge: This week, trade one complaint for thanksgiving. If you catch yourself grumbling about anything, pause and turn it into a sentence of gratitude to God, then add on two other things that you are thankful for. After that, notice what shifts, not just in your words, but in how you think about Him.
FRUITFUL: Week Three — Peace
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part
What was your favorite part of this chapter, and why?
2. Fantastic Peace
a. What does a peaceful life look like?
b. Do you have a peaceful life? What interrupts your peace?
c. Vocabulary.com says, “Peace is a stress-free state of security
and calmness that comes when there’s no fighting or war,
everything coexisting in perfect harmony and freedom.” Is that
Biblical? If not, why not? (See John 14:27; Philippians 4:6-7)
d. Hayley said, in order to have this kind of peace, “I would need to control everyone around me so that they never stressed me out or infringed upon my freedom or calmness.” And “For most of the world, peace, like joy, is all about the perfect circumstances. If you don’t currently have any strife, struggle, antagonism, or opportunity for anxiety, then there is peace. And a lot of us think that we can’t have any peace until we are suffering and irritation-free.”
Before you read this book, would you have agreed with that statement? In what way has the book changed your thinking?
3. Control and Peace
a. What do control and peace have to do with one another?
b. What should they have to do with one another?
c. What did you think of the idea that anxiety and peace are mutually exclusive? They cannot co-exist.
d. Hayley said we need to release our right to worry. What do you think about that?
4. Peace as a Person
What do you think of the idea that peace isn’t a feeling or a reward but a Person? (See Ephesians 2:14; John 16:33) How does that change the way you talk about “finding” peace?
5. Acceptance over Escape
Hayley writes that “peace in this life comes from your acceptance of suffering, not your exemption from it.” How do you feel about that? Peaceful? Or stressed? Discuss.
6. The Outlook of the Spirit
a. Paul ties peace to what the mind is set on (see Romans 8:6).
If that’s true, why do anxious thoughts feel louder than peaceful ones even when we’re trying to focus on God?
Like the cocktail party effect, when you are in a loud room, your brain actually turns down the din of the crowd, until someone speaks your name, then you hear that. Spiritually, maybe this is the answer. How do we turn down the voice of our anxiety and turn up our heart’s ability to hear the still, small voice of God?
b. What are some ways we turn up the volume on the world?
7. The Vine and the Branches
a. In what ways do you try to manufacture peace in your life?
b. Knowing the true Source of Holy Spirit peace, what are some alternatives to trying to manufacture it yourself?
8. Winning vs. Losing
The chapter says peace grows when you’re willing to lose. How does that mirror the way God displayed power through the cross? (See Philippians 2:5–8:Colossians 1:19–20; 1 Corinthians 1:18, 25)
9. The Peaceful Spirit
a. Hayley says the Holy Spirit’s voice is never anxious. So why do anxious thoughts sound so convincing?
b. Let’s talk about peace with God. Hayley said, “Peace with God removes the sting of guilt and the fear of punishment.” Do you sometimes struggle with guilt and not being able to accept forgiveness? (If so, read: Romans 8:1; John 5:25; Psalm 103:10–12)
c. What did you think when you read this: “Peace begins with a simple agreement. The Spirit bears it in you when your heart agrees with the reality that God is in control, and you are safe in His hands.”
d. Why is it hard sometimes, knowing this to be true, to still find peace?
e. What are some ways that you can set your mind on the Spirit?
10. Unforgiveness vs. Peace
a. “In a head-to-head battle between peace and an unforgiving heart, the unforgiving heart wins.” Why do you think unforgiveness is so sticky and hard to let go of? Which would you rather be? Right or peaceful? How can you go from always needing to be right to peace?
b. Hayley said: “Conflict with others rarely starts on the outside. It’s the overflow from what’s brewing within. Anxiety fuels our defensiveness, irritability, and harsh words. But when the Spirit’s calm fills us, the fire dies for lack of fuel.” What do you think of that idea?
Group Challenge
This week, when anxiety or irritation rises, resist the urge to fix it. Instead, pause and say aloud: “Jesus Himself is my peace.” Notice how that single act of agreement, acknowledging His presence instead of your pressure, reshapes the moment.
FRUITFUL: Week Four — Patience
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part
Was there a quote that you underlined and have continued
to think about?
2. Are you Irritated?
Hayley is pretty insistent that the opposite of patience is
irritation. Would you agree? Why or why not?
3. Control in Disguise
Patience and control don’t always get along. What do they
have against each other?
4. The Opposite List
Here are some more opposites of patience: frustration, impatience, nervousness, agitation, boredom, annoyance, restlessness, scorn, cutting humor, and anger. Discuss how each one could be a manifestation of a lack of patience.
5. The Irritation Test
If patience is born in frustration, not calm, what does that say about how God trains His children? (See Romans 5:3–4; Hebrews 12:10–11)
6. The Anger Link
Why does impatience so quickly turn into anger? What are we really protecting when we explode?
7. The “Fix It” Reflex
If you had perfect trust in God’s process, what would stop feeling urgent?
8. The Impossible Fruit
“The easiest way to have patience is to be in control of everything and to have everything go exactly as planned.” If that is true, then how is patience even possible?
9. Impatience with People
What does hope have to do with patience? (See Romans 8:24–25; Psalm 130:5; 1 Thessalonians 1:3)
10. Patience and Power
In the book we read, “Pessimism chafes against the will. It pushes patience deep down, where it can’t be seen or heard, smothered by doubt and delay. But pessimism isn’t a life sentence.” What do you think about this idea? Are you a pessimist? If not, how does your explanatory style (Pessimist, optimist, realist) affect your patience?
Group Challenge
This week, when you catch yourself rushing God, say aloud: “You’re not slow; I’m impatient.” Then ask Him to show you what He’s protecting or preparing that haste would destroy.
FRUITFUL: Week Five — Kindness
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part
Was there a line or story from this chapter that stuck with you, or rubbed you the wrong way, in a way you can’t stop thinking about?
2. The Real Opposite
“In order to be kind, we have to recognize what stops kindness—scorekeeping: the measuring of every wrong and every right to make sure no one gets more than they’ve actually earned.” What do you think about scorekeeping and kindness?
3. Define Kindness
The list of more opposites of kindness includes: disdain, condescension, mercilessness, arrogance, disgust, disapproval, meanness, and inflexibility. Discuss these and their relationship to unkindness.
3. Selective Kindness
Why do we find it easy to be kind to strangers but hard to stay kind to the people closest to us?
4. Kindness as Silence
The book said that the first act of kindness is often silence. Why would silence be a kindness? (See Proverbs 17:27–28; James 1:19; Job 2:13)
5. Unfairness
Why does kindness feel unfair when someone hasn’t earned it? What does fairness have to do with kindness? (See Luke 6:35–36; Romans 2:4; Matthew 20:1–16.)
6. Unkindness in Disguise
Is it ever kind to attempt to change someone? Whose job is change? (See Philippians 1:6; 2 Corinthians 3:18; 1 Corinthians 3:6–7)
7. Kindness and Grace
Hayley said that kindness is another word for grace. How does that change your interpretation of kindness?
8. Giving Up
“Real kindness means refusing to treat someone as they deserve.” How does that thought make you feel? How can you be kind when you are holding a grudge?
9. Negative Faith
In this chapter, we read that negative faith is faith that the worst is a more probable outcome than the best. What do you think about this idea of negative faith?
10. The Mirror Test
The book talked about the power of an apology. Why does apologizing quickly feel unsafe? What does it do to a relationship when you apologize? How do you feel when others apologize to you? (See James 5:16; Proverbs 28:13; Matthew 5:23–24)
Group Challenge
This week, show kindness to someone who doesn’t “deserve” it, and don’t announce it. Let the act stay hidden, between you and God. Then notice what shifts in you: relief, resentment, or something holy breaking open.
FRUITFUL: Week Six — Goodness
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part
What part of this chapter caught your attention or challenged your thoughts on goodness?
2. Growing Goodness
“Goodness may be the most outward-facing of all the fruit. . .Goodness that remains unexpressed fails its purpose; true goodness, empowered by the Spirit, naturally nourishes others.”
What do you think of this notion? (See Matthew 5:16; James 2:17)
3. Moral Excellence
Some would say goodness refers to our moral excellence. But Hayley says, “the fruit of the Spirit always involves movement into the lives of others.” If goodness isn’t about being good but about doing good, what happens to faith that stays private?
4. Self-Interest
Hayley writes that self-interest, the opposite of goodness, hides in two ways: by refusing to act or by acting but for self-promotion. (See James 4:17; 1 Corinthians 13:3) What does Spirit-led action look like in contrast?
5. Frugal Fear
Hayley said that her thriftiness has subconsciously taught her that generosity is dangerous. What do you think about the relationship between frugality and fear?
6. Admonishment as Goodness
What do you think of admonishment being a part of goodness? How can we admonish in the power of the Spirit instead of the flesh, based on all of the fruit we’ve talked about so far? (See Galatians 6:1; Colossians 3:16; Romans 15:14)
7. The Messy House
Hayley admits that the hardest part of hospitality is her mess. How does the need to appear put-together keep us from genuine goodness?
8. Judging the World
How does judging non-believers keep us from practicing the fruit of the Spirit, goodness? (See 1 Corinthians 5:12–13; Romans 2:1–4; James 4:11–12.)
9. Open Hands
“Goodness requires us to unclench our fists. It asks us to trust the Giver more than the gift.” What’s one area where tight-fistedness masquerades as faithfulness?
10. The Overflow of the Spirit
Hayley ends by saying goodness is “the generous release of love and care that flows freely, unafraid of the cost.” What might it cost us to live that openhandedly, and what might we gain?
Group Challenge
This week, give something away that costs you time, comfort, or control, and ask God to reveal what part of you wanted to keep it.
FRUITFUL: Week Seven — Faithfulness
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part
What part of this chapter stuck with you the most? Why do you think it lingered?
2. Respectable Sins
Why would you say faithfulness is one of the least respectable sins in ourselves?
3. The Enemy of Faithfulness
Hayley calls self-preservation the ultimate enemy of faithfulness. Would you agree or disagree? If you disagree, what would you call the ultimate enemy or opposite of faithfulness? Dishonesty, inconsistency, hypocrisy, deception, insincerity, commitment-phobia, unreliability, betrayal, treachery, infidelity, and adultery?
4. Self-Preservation’s Mask
Hayley writes that faithfulness is love in motion. What about faithfulness fulfills love? (See 1 Corinthians 13:7; Proverbs 3:3–4;Lamentations 3:22–23)
5. Light or Cover-Up
The TV Show Traitors involves a few ‘traitors’ tricking their teammates to win the cash prize. If you were on the show, would you be a faithful or a traitor, and why?
6. Small Lies, Big Damage
The book says even a small exaggeration is a step toward untrustworthiness. Would you agree or disagree, and why? (See Proverbs 12:22; Matthew 5:37; Ephesians 4:25)
7. One Life, Not Two
Faithfulness, Hayley says, means living one life, not two. Where are Christians most tempted to divide faith from daily life, and why does that fracture feel so normal?
8. The Opposite Fruit
If the opposite of faithfulness is self-preservation, what happens to trust—both human and divine—when self-preservation wins?
9. The Safe Haven
One of the most subtle forms of self-preservation is self-deception. This includes believing your words are harmless, lying to protect your image, being inconsistent, or unreliable. If the Spirit’s fruit is faithfulness. What does it reveal about our trust in God when we edit the truth to control the outcome?
10. Unfaithfulness to God
The chapter ends, “Faithfulness is about not cheating on God with our own self-preservation.” If faithfulness is trusting God to protect you, how might self-protection be the modern form of cheating on Him?
Group Challenge
This week, keep one promise that costs you comfort. Don’t announce it. Don’t explain it. Just follow through, and let the quiet act itself become worship.
FRUITFUL: Week Eight — Gentleness
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part
Which moment or metaphor from this chapter hit you hardest, and why do you think it did?
2. Meekness Isn’t Weakness
Gentleness is another word for meekness. How did this chapter change your opinion on meekness?
3. Power Under Control
Gentleness, in Greek, is strength redirected. Why does surrender feel weaker than self-assertion, even when Jesus calls it the stronger way?
4. The Opposite Fruit
If the opposite of gentleness is self-importance, how do our smallest reactions—interrupting, correcting, rushing—reveal the belief that we’re more important than we are?
5. Manhandling Souls
“Gentleness is really the practice of restraint, discretion, and respect. It releases the tight grip we so often keep on other people’s lives—their choices, emotions, and even their growth—and recognizes that those are their tasks, not ours.” What do you think about the idea that these are God’s tasks and not yours? (See Philippians 1:6; 2 Timothy 2:24–25; Romans 14:4)
6. Perfectionism vs. Grace
How do these words sit with you? “Perfectionism doesn’t know what to do with grace. It keeps striving to earn what God already gave.”
7. The Easygoing Test
Being “easygoing” isn’t passivity; it’s trust. Where does our need for control make us hard to get along with, and what does it mean to let God be the one in charge of outcomes?
8. Slow Down
Hayley writes that rushing is “living in reaction mode.” What do you think happens to your spiritual life when hurry becomes your default?
9. Willing to Be Wrong
Why is saying I was wrong so hard for people who love being right “for the right reasons”? What kind of strength does confession require?
10. Gentleness as Power
If gentleness is “the power to lay down your weapons,” what weapon of pride or self-interest do you still reach for most often, and what might happen if you put it down?
Group Challenge
This week, pause before you correct, fix, or react. Ask, “What would gentleness look like right now?” Then do that, slowly, quietly, even if no one notices.
FRUITFUL: Week Nine — Self-Control
Discussion Guide
1. Favorite Part
Which image from this chapter stuck with you—the dog on the leash, the horse and driver, or something else—and why?
2. The Two Selves
Hayley describes two types of self-indulgence: giving into cravings and rigid willpower as the things that keep the self in charge. What do you think of this idea?
3. The Source Swap
“The mastery of self comes from the Spirit, not the self.” Why do we still keep handing the reins back to the self after promising to give them to God?
4. The Opposite Fruit
If true self-control means surrender, what part of your life are you still trying to manage yourself, and how’s that working?
3. The Two Counterfeits
Hayley points out that indulgence and rigid willpower “look different but share the same root.” Which one do you lean toward, and what does that tell you about how you define control?
4. The Horse, the Driver, and the King
In Hayley’s metaphor, the horse represents impulse, the driver represents reason, and the King represents the Spirit. Which one has had the reins this week, and what happened because of it?
5. The Self as Idol
Why do you think it’s easier to obsess over improving yourself than to surrender yourself? What do we lose when we treat spiritual growth like a self-help project?
6. The Freedom Paradox
Indulgence says “yes,” and willpower says “no.” What does surrender say, and why might that lead to liberty? (See Matthew 16:24–25; Galatians 5:1)
7. Worship as Self-Control
The book says, “Self-control is an act of worship.” What might it look like to worship in the moment you’re most tempted to self-soothe or self-promote?
8. Presence, Not Performance
Hayley ends by saying, “Self-control becomes freedom when it’s no longer about performance but about presence.” What does it mean for you to practice presence instead of performance?
Group Challenge
When you feel pulled by craving, control, or self-criticism, pause and pray: “Spirit, I can’t. You can.” Then let the next breath remind you who’s holding the reins.