When Your Table Isn’t a Hallmark Moment

a Thanksgiving guide to making it through this weekend

Family visits have a way of bringing old wounds to the surface. Side comments that scrape open old scabs. A pattern of behavior that feels all too familiar and all too destructive. Or just being back in spaces where difficult memories live. It’s all hard.

But, if you’re like me, you’ve probably noticed something about life: You can’t control how other people act. Shocking, right?

That comment you hoped wouldn’t be made? Will be.
That touchy subject you tried to avoid? Someone will bring it up anyway.
That behavior that drives you crazy? Still happening.

So I thought today would be a good time to remember one of Jesus’ most challenging and freeing teachings on this very subject:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.“ (Matthew 5:38-39)

Contrary to popular interpretation, Jesus wasn’t advocating becoming a doormat or encouraging abusive behavior. In first-century culture, a slap on the cheek wasn’t physical violence as much as it was an insult, a way of disrespecting or insulting someone, sound familiar?

When Jesus talks about turning the other cheek, He’s teaching something revolutionary about responding to insults, slights, and the small (or not-so-small) ways others disrespect us, especially within familial relationships.

What He’s doing is inviting us to break the cycle of reactivity that comes so naturally and ends so disastrously. To step off the merry-go-round of offense and counter-offense, and find freedom in just letting others be who they are without feeling compelled to correct them, convince them, or control them.

I find myself repeating these four words a lot: “It’s not my job.” It’s not my job to change their opinions to mine. It’s not my job to fix their comments and their mistakes. It’s not my job to make them understand or appreciate me. It doesn’t mean I agree with everything they think or say; it just means I’m refusing to engage in unproductive power struggles that leave everyone exhausted and no one changed. Remember that! “Leaves no one changed!” Because that’s what leads to a lot of anxiety: wanting them to change and recognizing that they don’t.

So, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

Notice what this verse doesn’t say. It doesn’t promise that the anxiety-producing situation will change. It promises that peace will guard your heart even when circumstances stay difficult. This is the unique and utter freedom Jesus offers, not freedom from challenging people or situations, but freedom from being controlled by them.

What does this look like practically during your family visit?

When Uncle Bob makes that political comment that makes your blood boil, instead of launching into a counterargument, you might just respond, “That’s an interesting perspective,” and then change the subject. You’re not agreeing, but you’re also not taking the bait.

When your sister criticizes your parenting style, instead of defending yourself, you might say, “Thanks for sharing your thoughts,” and then continue doing what you know is best for your children. You’re acknowledging her without giving her comments power over you, including the power to make you mad and difficult to be around.

When your parent or adult child makes the same suggestion they’ve made every visit for the last decade, instead of rolling your eyes, you might try saying, “I’ll think about that.” And then let it go. You’re being respectful without feeling obligated to comply.

This approach isn’t about being passive-aggressive or dishonest. It’s about recognizing a profound truth: You are only responsible for your own actions and responses, not for changing other people. That’s God’s job.

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.” (Colossians 3:15)

Peace rules when we stop believing the lie that it (our peace) depends on everyone agreeing with us or behaving the way we think they should. True peace comes from surrendering our desperate need to control outcomes and others, and trusting God with the people and situations we cannot change.

There’s something incredibly freeing about releasing others to God’s care. It’s not abandonment, it’s acknowledgment that He does a better job of loving (and changing) them even more perfectly than you do and is far more capable of working in their lives than you could ever be.

Today, as you navigate family dynamics, try this simple prayer when you feel that urge to control, correct, or convince:

God, I release [name] to You. They are Yours even more than they are mine. Work in their life according to Your wisdom, not my agenda. Free me today from the exhausting cycle of trying to control others. When I feel insulted or disrespected, help me respond with the quiet dignity Jesus modeled rather than reactive defensiveness. Remind me that peace isn’t found in perfect circumstances or perfectly behaved people, but in surrendering both to Your loving work. Thank You that I don’t have to fix everyone and everything, that’s Your job, not mine. Fill me with Your peace that passes understanding, especially in moments when understanding seems impossible. Amen.

If you’d like more help for this holiday weekend, read my Family Visit Survival Guide, and make this weekend a practice in faithfulness.