I Speak Fluent Complaint

can we talk?

Today I wanted to give you another taste of Fruitful. Not a full meal, but just a little bite.

Joy

Have you ever tried to learn a new language? If you have, you’ll remember how much easier it is to understand someone who is speaking than it is to speak it yourself. Speaking another language, that’s the hard part.

That’s why I prefer speaking my own. So when I picked up Gary Chapman’s book called The Five Love Languages, I devoured it as a personality test, seeking the best description of my language of love. I looked at each one and thought, “Which one makes me feel the most loved?”

Turns out Gary missed my love language, the one I speak fluently: complaint. It’s spoken by millions. In fact, it’s so popular that there’s now a dating app where you can meet people who hate the same things you hate—and speak your love language together without fear or isolation.

Yes, complaint. The glue that binds many a lover to another. Sometimes, hating the same thing feels more powerful than loving the same thing, doesn’t it?

Somewhere along the way, complaint became the way I say, “I love you.” After all, if we didn’t agree on the things we couldn’t stand, would we even be together? I think not.

But I digress. Back to our topic. Joy. Did you know that the number one thing men want in their marriage is joy? If you’re anything like me, and your husband said he wanted more joy in his life, you’d probably respond the way I did: “Who’s Joy? And why do you want her more than me?”

While I was loving through complaint, he was hating every minute of it.

My complaint was accusing him of not doing the one thing he wanted to do for me: make me happy. Now, how come no one ever teaches you that before you get married?

“Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds” (James 1:2).

Who does that? Definitely not those fluent in complaint: me! So, I tried to figure out how I could have pure joy while complaining. And I thought I had succeeded. I have always been very joyful; I sing and dance around the house. I laugh a lot. I am fun and funny, and goofy. I’m joyful, at least that’s what I thought, until my husband pointed out that while I might feel joyful, the people listening to me complain didn’t.

Turns out I wasn’t feeding them the joy I was consuming so abundantly for myself, but was hoarding it for dancing and singing while feeding them the fruit of discontent, criticism, and whining. What a miserable example I am.

What is Joy?

Joy isn’t just something you experience; it’s something you practice. Every word of praise, every act of gratitude, every choice to notice grace instead of lack is a small rebellion against despair. It’s expressed through words, shaped by focus, and reflected in how you interpret your life.

Here’s one way to define it:

Joy is the verbal expression of thanksgiving and the vocalization of delight in the goodness of God.

And the more we focus on complaint, the harder joy becomes. Try it, just try to grumble and praise God at the same time. You can’t. Joy and complaint are always pulling in opposite directions. And, over time, that direction becomes audible.

If you’d like more than a taste, Fruitful explores this fruit of joy in much greater depth, right here.