I know my last two blogs have been happy, but this one not so much. I've been so involved in music and school and friends, that I've forgotten about God somewhat. I pray to him morning and nightly, but I dont read my bible, I dont do anything to help show I praise Him, and that He is the one thats always going to be there for me. I've neglected God, and lately I've been in the worst of moods. Now my past isnt the cleanest, and I feel that, sometimes, I should just stop trying. That I should stop trying to adapt to Christianity, I should stop trying to be the perfect daughter that my family expects me to be, and that I should stop trying to do anything.
I tried out for the rugby team at my school and I was told I would be a good player, a lot of the returning players have said that I would have been better than some of the people who made it on the team. Now, I didn't make it and I was kind of upset that I didn't make it, because I thought I had a good solid shoe in the door of the rugby team. I dont know what made the coach think I wasnt good enough, or something.
I'm in grade 11 now, and all the teams I've tried out for I've made. So it kind of stung a little bit. Like getting punched in the gut. Or getting rejected after asking a guy that you really like out, and him saying no, just right out. I dont know if it's just me the coach doesn't like, or if since she's my chemistry teacher, and she wants me to focus on my schooling or something, but whatever it is, it's bugging me.
Another thing thats happened, is I used to get this warm blanket feeling over me when I prayed. It was like someone was there wrapping a blanket around me thats fresh out of the drier. I don't feel that anymore. I dont know, maybe I'm just not as focused on God as I was, or maybe, and this is totally stupid and I know its wrong, maybe God's just given up on me.
My past, and even right now is full of sin. I just, I dont know. Im not doing as well as I would like. My grades are lower than I would like them, and even lower than my parents would like them. I wanted so badly to make it on the rugby team, so I had something other than cadets and school and band, all of them in which I get judged. Whether it be on how well ironed my uniform is and how shiney my boots are, or how well I do on tests and quizzes, or how well I can play a song.
Rugby just seemed like a place I could go and have fun, and just let go. You know? Like the feeling where you get so lost in a good book, or how you can just have the like perfect dream and you don't want to wake up? Thats what it felt like. It was fun, and amazing, and carefree.
I'm afraid of moving forward in my life. It's days like this where I'm scared. I'm scared of what Im going to do in the future, afraid I'm going to ruin everything again, afraid history is going to repeat itself. And it sucks. I dont want to be afraid anymore, I want to get out, and do something I love, and not be afraid of what could happen, or what I've done.
I used to play baseball, and I was pretty decent at it, but everytime I missed the ball, or struck out, the team I was on made me feel like it was my fault if we lost, or something. One year, we had this really amazing coach and he made me feel better when all the other girls put me down, and I met this really great guy, and we quickly became really good friends, and we talk about everything.
I know Im just babbling on about my past, but sometimes Im really scared. I dont want my past to reoccur, and I want to know what I can do to stop it. There is a lot of things I've tried, its just Im still scared, and holding onto my past isnt getting me anywhere, and I know that. It's just... I dont know... Im so confused.
Im almost graduating, one more year and I will be done with highschool and it will be on to college or university. And I dont even know what I want to do, or who I want to become in life. Its hard to decide. But thats enough of me rambling on about my life, if you want to like hear my life story then just message me or something. But I just am so confused as to what to do.