The Secret Life Of...

There's a lot of things about me that a lot of people would never guess. Who I appear to be to those around me, and who I am when I'm by myself vary greatly. I live a life full of secrets. Some of my secrets are cute and quirky, others are not. I wish some of these were not part of me. But through the battles I've fought, the near defeats, the ups, downs, inside-outs, the tears, the laughs; through all insanity, I've discovered so much about myself. Some things for the  better, others for worse. I've become closer to becoming who I'm ment to be, and go where God has intentions for me to go.

• I stuggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder.
• I'm on starting line on my volleyball team. I want to quit.
• I have eating problems.
• The reason I "became vegan", was so I had a good excuse why I wasn't eating.
• I've reverted due to my love for bacon.
• I struggle with self injury.
• I just learned to whistle.
• Beckie0 on Youtube, is like my hero.
• I struggle with trichotillomania.
• I feel more comfortable riding a 17hh horse and jumping a 4 foot fence, than standing up front and  talking to the class.
• I don't stay at home because I have homework, I stay at home because I'm socially awkward.
• I wish I wasn't so awkward.
• I'm not as invincible as I may appear to be.
• I'm not always happy, even though I smile.
• I can't do a summer-sault.
• I've thought of suicide many times.
• I've faught back the urges many times. (:
• Even though I'm known as "the shoulder to cry on", some days I wish I wasn't. Some days I need someone to cry with.
• I don't want to walk down the asile, i want to ride down the asile on my horse; with my dad walking on one side, my coaches husband on the other.
• I can't stand most of the people in my hometown; they're so judgemental and materialistic.
• I talk to my horses when I have a crappy day.
• I do have a diary.
• I'm scared of being in the laundry room at night in the dark alone.

So I'm not normal. I never said I was. Yeah maybe you think I'm a freak; so be it. The battles I've faught, they've strengthened me. They're showed me how to trust God no matter how miserable things might become. I've learned to cherish those little happy things in life; things that others may overlook. Maybe my friend situation would improve if I didn't tell them these things. But hey. Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind. (And yes, I quote Dr Suess.) And at the end of the day, only God can judge me. <3