So my current frustration.
I have this ridiculuous balance where half the time I'm so insecure with low self-esteem and comparing myself to others so it makes me quiet and afraid, the other half the time I have the biggest ego and I think I'm the ugliest, proudest, most arrogant and selfish person with a high opinion of myself looking down on others to make myself feel good and not showing much love.
I hate it cos I don't know which one is really me and therefore which one to work on. Do i work on the fact that God loves me so that I don't have low self-esteem or do I try to get some humilty in me so I don't have such a big proud ego.
And so I just stay and the same and am stcuk. Some days I'm happy with who I am, other days I cry myself to sleep cos I think I'm so horrible.
My other problem is this sold out, on fire idea. To be a Christian we're supposed to die to ourselves and live only for God and yet I fail pretty much every minute of the day, I serve myself. And I really want to serve God every second of my life but the idea of doing it, of what it takes makes me feel like I'll go insane. it would take so much control and fighting against yourself every second and that's an effort that I would try and do but I know i would make myself go crazy and know it's not possible. Of course it's not possible cos that's doing it in your own strength. But if we're commanded to die to ourselves and follow God, how can we do it when we don't want to, we choose but it's still us, our will and our effort. Got to try to work it out, this balance between God and myself following Jesus.
I just feel like every time I don't follow God and do my own thing, every second, when I think the wrong thing, or desire the wrong thing or don't feel joy all the time or at least show joy and love to others all the time, i'm sinning and disappointing God cos I haven't laid myself aside. Am I too hard on myself, expecting too much? Am I relying on myself too much and not letting God's spirit and power to work in my life?
Is it a sin to have the wrong attitute, to not be joyful all the time, to not smile at people? Feeling really convicted at the moment but not sure if I'm just attacking myself or if the devil is trying to kick me while I'm down and I should just get a different perspective.
Yes I give my life to God and will follow him the rest of my life, i know it's a journey and will take time to mould me but i feel like daily, each minute, I follow myself even though overall, big picture by the month or year, I'm prgoressing in my walk with God. Maybe I just have to be patient and trust God to be doing his work in me even though I fail every day.
I just thought other people have got it right and I've missed something. They say they follow God each day and die to themselves each morning and don't even attempt to do that cos I know i will fail, knowing I will go crazy if tried to put that effort on every thought, action, attitude and word in my life. It would be like I wasn't me, I was a robot just trying to live rules or something and I'd fail.
I know, something about legalism as opposed to a living relationship with God to guide me. Sometimes, it's all a bit confusing and I'm sure I've overcomplicated it all.
But I just get scared that I'm not really a Christian if I don't put aside myself each day and go crazy if I put that much effort into it. Am I worng, is that what other Christians do, put absolutley all their effort into denying themselves and following God no matter what?
Trusting God to lead me in the right direction and reveal answers to me, hoping he will be pleased with me and confirm that I am his.