I just joined yesterday. I barely have enough time to write this, but I just really needed to say this because it's been upsetting me so, so much. I joined because I want to get closer to God, I need to!...On here I read lots of cute posts, etc. There's a lot of posts on purity rings and waiting for the right guy. Well, before I really knew christ well, I was in a relationship with this older guy. It was bad. He made me do, bad sexual things, and would smack me around. It was like that for months because I was too scared to leave. Well, Mom saw bruises from him and well she took care of that kid right away. He moved away and honestly I couldn't even take a stab as to where he lives at. Either michigan or Ohio, far from me. Then, a few months after, I started finding God more and more. I was always christian, just not "close". I realized God doesn't want sex before marriage. and for months I kept telling myself I wasn't a virgin. I've come to conclusion that what I endured was rape. So, I was at mental conflict. Am I a virgin? Am I not? I dated this guy. Paul. He dad was a preacher. We dated 7 months, no sexuality. He was verbally abusive. Cussing, etc. Did not treat me right. i had no self esteem, and felt like I was stuck with this guy the rest of my life. See, my dad was never around. I felt dependent on guys. So I gave into sex with Paul, hoping he wouldn't leave like every other guy. One day I had it with him treating me like crap. So I dumped him. I lost 20lb that summer and worked out like crazy. I start modeling, and got 3 callbacks from companies but I was never able to continue due to family's lack of money for all that. It's super expensive. Along the way somewhere, I got an eating disorder because of lack of friendship, someone I can trust. to truly talk to. My emotions were stuck inside. I still struggle with the eating disorder. Yesterday, even. Now, I've been dating a guy for 2 years. He gave me a ring. I've known him since I was 12. Best friends. He treats me like an angel, etc. This time around, I gave in immediately with him because of how much i wanted to show him I cared for him. I did not know how to express it otherwise. I didn't want him to leave me for another girl because she would be able to fulfill him sexually. Before all this sexuality got into my life, I sat down with my mom, and said I wanted to wait til marriage. Mama said, No you should do that before marriage so you know what it's like. The only parent I had for support discouraged me. I gave up on it before i could fully appreciate what it was about. Now I live everyday wishing I could take everything back. Not my relationship with my current bf. But, the sexuality parts. I tell him all the time, and he feels bad about it. I don't know what to do. I want it to stop so I can start obeying the lord. It's so hard when some days you look in the mirror and see beautiful and other days you see nothing special. I know I'm beautiful because I'm God's creation but other than that I feel so incredibly broken.