Maybe not worth anything but strong enough to cause me to start typing.
Currently feeling like I'm being attacked. Felt attacked before, there was a year when I felt like I was being cut to ribbons, like a sword was just slicing me and I couldn't go to anyone to let them know- they wouldn't understand. My friends would respond by teasing or joking and not taking it seriously, or they would get angry or just disregard it- not helpful at all so I suffered alone in silence which added to feeling like being cut to ribbons. It was a time of going through the fire- my first experience of it.
I've been through the desert and winter before but not the fire but after a year of challenge feeling like going through mud, flood and thorns as well- God got me through and taught me some valuable lessons that I'm grateful for. It taught me to welcome challenge because it causes us to perservere and teaches me how to remain faithful and stay on the narrow road.
I've had a time if peace and relief which I'm grateful for and it is only now, this week, that I feel like I'm being attacked again.
It always seems to happen all at once- everything goes bad and wrong at the same time- makes me all gloomy and negative and eventually will lead to coldness and bitterness as my way to deal with it and not break. Trying to just cope and get through and feeling like I need solitude and to reassess and get things straight but i just can't do it right now, not yet. I'm not ready, I'm not strong enough. But it will come and has to come, like I'm gonna explode and can't take it anymore. But not just yet.
And this is where I'm at right now. Just trying to keep my head above water. I'm probably thinking things I shouldn'e and haven't got the right perspective but again, this is where i'm at right now.
Thank goodness God is right there, near, carrying me even if I don't feel it and life is turmoil and I'm turmoil. Thank goodness he waits and no matter what i think or feel, nothing can make me slip from his hold. He reminded me that yesterday at a moment when I wasn't sure if i could stay faithful. Help me remain faithful Lord, help me endure and get through this and learn and grow- becoming mature, closer to you and more like you. Don't let this be in vain.