Hi! I haven't been on here in like a month, but that's mainly due to me being out of the country, and I don't have my laptop. Lol XP
Anyway there's something that I find very frustrating. The teenagers at my youth group all have loving Christian families & friends, and I sorta really don't.
They are all really strong in their faith & I'm thinking it's because of the people they surround themselves with. Like there all best friends with each other & they encourage each other in their walk with God.
Then with my friends, I find myself feeling isolated because I don't join in their gossip or partisapat in slandering my beliefs ( for which they will say ' Oh sorry Asti' but I know they don't mean it) From the moment I see my friends I'm
antisapatting the moment when I can leave.
But when I see the people from youth group it's so different! I never want to leave! I love hanging around them because I feel encouraged to walk stronger in my walk with God just by being with them.
I mentioned I'm away from the US, but the thing is I don't miss my school friends. I feel bad for that, but I can't help it. I don't miss being around that atmosphere. But I'm SO excited to get back & go to church and see everybody!
But the thing is, I'm not even close with the teens from youth group. I mean I guess we're "friends" but I've never actually hung out with any of them outside of a youth group event. I see the closeness the girls have with each other, and I'm jealous. They're like sisters & they can talk about God with each other. I don't have a closeness like that with anyone and that makes me jealous beause it's like I want Christian friends who will encourage me! The Christian life can't be done alone. And that's really how I've feel.
And then there's family. I've noticed on their Facebook pages that they all have their sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, youth pastors, pastors, cousins, etc., all telling them how proud they are of them & then they go into encouraging them about how they're going to do great things for God. And I'm like "wow, why can't I have that?" And mean my mom's a Christian but she dosen't really encourage me in my faith. I think the only person who I really see as a godly person I look up to is my cousin, and I practically hardly ever see her.
The main thing I'm getting at here is how close these people are in every relationship they have with others. And that's something I've noticed about myself. I don't get close to anyone. I don't open up to people. I don' t even feel close to people in my family. Bacisally I am a loner. I hate it. I mean sure, for the last four years I've made friends who have stuck with me, but are they good for me? Nope. So that's really why I have felt alone. The teens from youth group have a family like friendship & can tell each other anything because of their bond in Christ together, but I don't have that.
I have done this pattern before. I had about three different friends when I was younger who all influenced me VERY negatively. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I wasn't seeking out the bad friends somehow they always found me. I never went looking for them. Maybe that's it. I mean I the youth group didn't find me. Well, I don't know. It was actually the cousin who I find godly a encourager who recommended that I go there. But I was the one who had to force myself to go there. She actually told me about it October 2010 (which was also a point in my life when I was going through a serious depression) but I never went until a year later in October 2011. I kinda feel like it's my own fault that I don't have a strong friendship with these people. Like I had the opportunity in 2010 to go, and meet these people, but I was in so much self pity I couldn't do it. Sometimes I feel like that was an open door that missed because I was too scared to go through. I still met the same people year later, but I only had a limited amount of time to get to know them since they all graduated. I don't want to go think the 'what ifs' because what's done is done, end of story.
I know I'm never truely alone. God is always here with me, though it took me a long time to accept it. But I still want Christian friends & family. I want to be able to feel close to people. I tell my mom that "oh I don't need anyone. I'll be fine by myself" but I know that's not true. It's like for so long I've had the fasade of the tough girl, but being made of stone is no fun. But how do you change something like that? How do change from being a person who hides their feelings to being open?
There's one thing I want to be: completely transparent. I don't want secrets to trap me, nor shame to bound me, nor guilt to imprison me. I want to be completely see through, so that people can see God through me. I know I'm not there yet. But I know I need godly people to surround me, or else I know the bad ones will corrupt me.
So that's the problem. I'm jealous of thing I need but don't have.
Umm??? Thoughts of this? Thanks for any advice! Hopefully I made sense. I tend to ramble & make people confused.